30th August 2023 • My Family Our Needs

This National Grief Awareness Day, Child Bereavement UK offers advice on how to talk to children and young people with special education needs about dealing with loss and remembering lost loved ones.

All children and young people, regardless of their circumstances, have a right to have their grief recognised, to hear the truth and to be given opportunities to express their feelings and emotions. Those with learning difficulties are no different but may need extra help with their understanding and ways to express feelings.

How can I explain to my child that someone has died?

Tell your child that someone has died as soon as possible in a familiar place where they feel safe. Communicate in a way that is suitable for your child taking into account what they may already know or understand. For some children it can be helpful to use concrete examples from the natural world that are practical, clear, and visual, such as comparing a dead insect or flower with a live insect or flower.

If your child is able to understand a verbal explanation, use simple language, at a level appropriate to the child’s understanding. Try to avoid phrases such as ‘lost,’ ‘gone’ or ‘passed away’ as although these may seem kinder, they can be confusing as your child may expect the person who has died to come back or be found. Using direct words such as ‘dead’ and ‘died’ can help your child understand what has happened. 

Your child may have lots of questions and it may be necessary to repeat the information many times and to answer their questions repeatedly to help them make sense of what has happened. Answer questions honestly using the same language and keeping explanations consistent. If you’re grieving yourself this can be very difficult so it can help to ask another trusted adult to support you and to take over if necessary. 

If a child has very severe learning difficulties, it may be that they are unable to understand that someone has died. However, they may be conscious that their routines have changed and that a usual caregiver is absent, and they may feel distress. Try to keep to routines where possible and provide reassurance.

How might my child react?

The way any child reacts to being told that someone important to them has died will be affected by a number of things, including their understanding, their relationship with the person who died, how much they saw them, and if the death was expected. A child with learning difficulties may show their distress in different ways to others; they may seem indifferent and unaffected and take time to process the information, or they may laugh and make noises, cry and scream or appear confused, worried or fearful. They may also be concerned about changes to their routine, and their eating, sleeping and toileting habits may change. 

All of these reactions are valid and it’s important to reassure your child and support them in expressing their feelings.

How can I support my grieving child?  

Help your child to learn how to recognise different feelings both in themselves and others, as well as learning appropriate ways of expressing their feelings. You can do this by using everyday situations and events to point out different emotions in other people (for example on TV programmes, in magazines and stories) using consistent and simple language to label emotions from the child’s own experiences and by using pictures.

Looking at photographs or watching videos of the person who has died can facilitate them to express their feelings. Carrying a comfort object such as a small piece of blanket can be an aid in getting through difficult moments.

Remember that children will take their cue from the adults around them, so it is helpful if you can be honest about your own emotions, showing you’re upset if you need to but reassuring your child that you are OK and that your response is natural.

Prepare your child for any changes to their daily routines in advance, by telling them who will be doing what and when. It can be very reassuring for children to know who will be taking them to school or to activities if this has changed.

It can also be helpful to tell your child’s school or others involved in their care about any additional support they might need or any changes in behaviour such as regression, stimming or changes in appetite.

How can I help my child remember the person who has died?

Memories help a child to construct a sense of who it is they are grieving for and why. It is therefore important to help a child with additional needs to remember their special person where this is possible.

Ways to remember a person who has died might include having a piece of fabric from an item of clothing worn by the person who has died, to carry in a pocket or made into a cushion, which can be comforting. Putting the aftershave or perfume of the person who has died on a handkerchief can also be reassuring.

Looking after yourself

Caring for a bereaved child while grieving yourself can be very demanding. You are a role model for the child in your care and in order to be well equipped to support your child it is important that you look after yourself too. You can show your child the importance of valuing yourself by making time for you, looking after your own wellbeing and asking others to support you where possible.

For guidance and information on supporting a bereaved child or young person, call Child Bereavement UK’s Helpline on 0800 02 888 40 or visit: www.childbereavementuk.org

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